A colleague and former coworker at the National Commission for Culture and the Arts, Elmar Ingles, passed away last July 9 from what is described as "complications from diabetes". He was only 49. It was a sudden death, and one that shook me up for two reasons: he was a person that I have worked with and had projects with and because like him, I am diabetic. Those who are ill know that news like these can make you really feel how palpable mortality is. And like any artist I sense how life is truly short compared to the long process of perfecting one's craft. Moments like these make me feel a sense of urgency.
The last time I felt this urgency was when another colleague Sid Gomez Hildawa passed away around seven years ago. Our last conversation was about the need to prioritize a work path when one has many facets and skills. Sid was an architect, painter, poet and arts administrator among other things. Back then I confided in him that I felt I was losing it by various projects of curating, writing, teaching and arts management. I wanted to go back to full time art making. Sid and I were both diagnosed with different ailments that year. And when Sid died I took it as a sign that I have to choose what I really wanted to do. Thus I chose to make sculptures and the sense of urgency and the near-non-stop working calendar that I got myself into since 2008. There is nothing frivolous about my choice then as it is framed by a memento mori.
Now Elmar's demise makes this memento mori as real as it gets. Its not that I am afraid of death, no, not really. What I am wary of is not to be able to accomplish the works that I really wanted to make before I am cut down by the human condition of mortality. This is the compelling reason why I also am into paranormal research and ghost-hunting: I am curious how "unfinished business" lead to episodes of haunting. Because I do not want to have unfinished business in life, especially this particular incarnation and iteration. I want my consciousness to be free from attachments to possibilities when that hour arrives. I also want to leave without regrets and have my consciousness dissolve.
Speaking of ghosts: my upcoming show at the Open Studio at Governor's Island is uncannily titled "Possible Full Body Apparitions". This is a phrase borrowed from ghost hunting jargon and is commonly used to refer to visual experience of paranormal phenomena, and is a fancy way of saying "I probably saw a ghost".
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