Post-residencies and my bipolar discovery
The effects of experiencing two consecutive artist residencies - of substantial duration - has exposed the fundamental truth regarding how my life is shaped by environments. Ive discovered, through a neurologist's long-term observation, that I am cyclothymic, which is a rare yet milder form of bipolarism.
According to "Understanding & Coping with Cyclothymia" by Margarita Tartakovsky, MS:
"An individual with cyclothymia may feel stable at a baseline level but experience noticeable shifts to an emotional high during hypomanic episodes with symptoms similar to those of mania but less severe, and emotional lows involving depressive symptoms that do not meet the criteria for a major depressive episode."
Ive checked the symptoms and presentations of both high (hypomanic) and low (depressive) states and Ive ticked all of these as true to my case.*
The most apparent symptom was my lack of proper sleep. I did not want to sleep: I was so energized by something. When my circadian or sleep patterns were disturbed, it increased my agitation to return to a pattern of behavior. Having failed to do so in strange environments, I felt mood swings from hypomania to depression, in a desire to adjust. For months after returning from New York I had a daily cycle of hypomania in the morning (exacerbated by caffeine,lots of it) and depression in the evening (amplified by alcohol).
John Preston, PsyD, quoted in the same article by Tartakovsky, explains my sleep deprivation:
"The hallmark sign of hypomania is a decreased need for sleep, Preston said. People with hypomania only sleep for four or five hours. But they feel no fatigue, while those with borderline personality disorder become exhausted, he said."
This is so true.Anyone who was with me for the past few months can attest my lack of desire to sleep. I rather take power naps every three to four hours, which deprived me of restful sleep necessary for my brain to find restorative balance.
The interesting side effect of these power naps is that they are often so conclusive that a day for me that is broken by two naps creates the experience of three different days. Hence my sense of calendar time is also askew. A month in my world is equivalent to three months. By my estimation from the time this episodes began in July, today should be Christmas.
Cyclothymia and my life as an artist
The most interesting part here is the fact that I am an artist and I have been unconsciously incorporating my cyclothymic states in my work and in my pace of production and even choice of projects. The key factor here are emotions. In has been observed that I dont simply have emotions: they have me. I am always possessed by grand emotions and subtle emotions - hallmarks of the bipolarity of my affections. However in my case, having not being able to develop emotional maturity well enough, I succumbed to what I call "life dramas", sub-narratives that sought to explain my condition in terms of personal mythology. While some are beautiful, these life dramas remain like that: empty explanations. They made my reality checks unrealistic.
But they also make good subjects and background for artmaking.
Contained hallucinations
This episode of mood swings have happened before. In 2007 I experienced an emotional crisis after being separated from my family. Unfortunately those who were with me at that time instead of countering my dissociated reality, even unknowingly encouraged it. Sleep deprivation made me hallucinate, which reinforced my personal mythologies. It did not help as well that this developed into full blown life dramas that I was acting out and my performances were so effective I even convinced people of my messianic mission or my godlike stature. For a time I did nurse the idea that I caused certain things to manifest, like the prevalence of purple and orange in daily life. Or rain for that matter. What maybe the more saner explanation for these phenomena is this: I am way too sensitive as an artist to the subtle changes and patterns in the environment, so much so that I can make relations with very different objects and situations, and even predict or anticipate the coming of rain and wind.
But what was more interesting is that combined with a life drama, I developed hallucinations or projected mental images - in my case surrounding a specific person. This projection was so palpable it became a persistent personal mythology, even right after I had no more contact with her. These mental images were so beautiful and interesting I had to make them the subject of my work. I called it a period of musing, of projecting this image of the muse onto the work and I carved that image in wood. I used no systematic intermediary such as drawing and worked directly from inspired image to constructed form. Have I used drawing and studies I may have had the chance to check myself for runaway emotions. But I also used my hypomania to work at a furious pace - which had good results in my career, but also increased the depressive mode even further.
Worse, my ex-wife took my project of musing as a sign of infidelity and the tension grew when she contested the morality of creative practice. She was inserting morals into art, and that, as all artists know is the end of relationships: you cannot impose rigid systems on art practice that is external to it. Especially as attached to life dramas as mine. The only system or structure that art follow is one that is created or framed by the craft the artist practices. The craft generates is own discipline and reward system, but I can explain this in another essay.
The whole point is I made my hallucinations the subject of my work. I developed a whole creative project around a life drama where a muse is at the center. What I have produced during the past five years - done in secrecy in my studio at our former house - are all pegged on these. Thats is why I never called my work or practice, art. They were amplified episodes of my bipolarity.
Relationships
So then after New York my emotions took over, along with life dramas that made the whole matter into a grandiose stage and theater. I found myself acting out and performing various personalities to different people. In the end because I was living in a dissociated reality, these relationships to other people were tested and many of them failed. The most serious casualty is my separation from my family.
Which, for now I think is the best scenario. I think I need this period for solitary and critical introspection. I must carry on now so that I maybe able to distinguish my emotional chaff from the wheat.
Interestingly this is what is said on the effects of cyclothymia on relationships:
"Cyclothymia can straddle the line between mental illness and normal variations in mood and personality. Some people with mild symptoms are highly successful in life, driven by their hypomania to express individual talents. On the other hand, chronic depression and irritability can ruin marriages and professional relationships."
Brain rhythm and life rhythm
Dr. Joven Cuanang, a neurologist and medical director (and a father figure if I may liberally add), was the one who revealed that I have a cyclothymic personality. He refuses to call it a disorder, preferring to highlight the multiple intelligence theory of Howard Gardner as an explanation for the existence of subpersonalities or bipolar personalities. He also contests what is considered "normal" or "in order" in mental life, owning to the variety of our personalities and the flexible nature of our consciousness and neurological processes.
"Often," he said, "That the sense of what is normal is normative, defined by the cultural set that comes from Western medicine's biases."
The brain, according to Dr. Cuanang, is composed of a complex activity of 100 billion neurons all communicating to each other in various configurations. This activity can be tracked as brain waves and rhythms. He calls this innate rhythm "the musicality of the brain". Which explains why Nietzsche often considers music "the most direct art that uses no intermediary" and why movies have these cinematic scores (John Williams etc): we have music in us. Or rather, music and rhythm are us.
Cyclothymics and others like me in the bipolar range are sensitive to the environment, especially to the rhythm and music that we listen to. In my case what provides me with balance is a drone beat. Which explains why I like electric fans, the hum of machinery, the regular beat of engines of automobiles and jets (why I like to travel!) and the ocean waves. Visually I also like seeing patterns and it comforts me to establish a structure onto a disorganized room. This provides my natural drive to curate and do exhibition design. Also why I like studying history and art history: I love discovering patterns of behavior and phenomena. In other words my condition predisposes me to seek, find and establish rhythm and patterns in design.
Also explains my love for pacing and walking while thinking, something Paris gave me enough opportunity for. Being a flaneur to me comes as natural as my mood swings.
Self discovery
As I mentioned above, I am using this moment of insightful self-discovery to allow me to discern better. Knowing and naming your personality type (or disorder) actually helps: it makes you know the shape of what you are trying to figure out or contend with.
Having said this, I now know what steps to take and what therapy I should engage in and what life dramas and personal myths I should check. True my life now is not in the best shape or rhythm. But what I learned about walking makes sense here: walk far enough and you will get your pace.
Here I am, running shoes on, going out for a walk with life.
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*Hypomanic phase of cyclothymia
An exaggerated feeling of happiness or well-being (euphoria)
Extreme optimism
Inflated self-esteem
Poor judgment
Rapid speech
Racing thoughts
Aggressive or hostile behavior
Being inconsiderate of others
Agitation
Excessive physical activity
Risky behavior
Spending sprees
Increased drive to perform or achieve goals
Increased sexual drive
Decreased need for sleep
Tendency to be easily distracted
Inability to concentrate
Depressive phase of cyclothymia
Sadness
Hopelessness
Suicidal thoughts or behavior
Anxiety
Guilt
Sleep problems
Appetite problems
Fatigue
Loss of interest in activities once considered enjoyable
Decreased sex drive
Problems concentrating
Irritability
Chronic pain without a known cause
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